I want to reach for acceptance, but right now, I’m just reaching for a cigarette

When I was a teenager, I thought smoking was cool. It seemed fun to try with friends, and for years, that is exactly how it stayed. I would smoke only three or four cigarettes a year, usually during a relaxed evening with friends. It was never a habit.

Lately, though, my life has been turned upside down, and for reasons I still struggle to understand, I started smoking more regularly.

It happened gradually. I noticed addiction creeping in the moment I caught myself looking for a cigarette whenever I felt stressed. Looking back, I do not think I was seeking nicotine itself. I was looking for something to do with my stress, something to occupy my hands and quiet my mind. I convinced myself it was helping.

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Smoking isn’t helping

In my culture, women who smoke are often judged harshly. Finding a place where I could smoke without feeling uncomfortable was already difficult, and besides my office, I rarely had that freedom. As I began to smoke more regularly, that was my biggest concern. I didn’t stop to think about how smoking might affect my myasthenia gravis (MG).

Until it did.

The first change I noticed was psychological. After smoking too much, I would dissociate. Instead of calming me down, cigarettes made my depressive thoughts even louder. Soon after, my hands would become unusually weak, my muscles would shake, and an overwhelming exhaustion would take over my body.

One evening after work, I completely lost the strength in my legs. They suddenly felt so heavy that I couldn’t make it home on my own, and I had to call a taxi. I convinced myself it was just another flare.

But what is funny about living with MG is that, after so many years together, we know each other very well. There is a particular soreness, a very specific type of weakness, that only my MG seems to create. And I started noticing that it came back every single time I smoked.

I didn’t want to believe it because I still needed something to reach for whenever I felt overwhelmed, sad, or depressed, but I was coming to realize that cigarettes weren’t helping me. They were simply giving me the illusion that they were.

The anger behind each time I light up

When people have asked me why I smoke despite having such a serious condition, my answer has often been, “I don’t have health to lose.” But I realize now how heartbreaking that sentence really is. I am not trying to destroy my body. I think I simply stopped believing it deserved to be protected.

Living with MG means constantly facing the possibility of paralysis, breathing difficulties, or another unpredictable flare. Even on my happiest days, even when I push myself to live life to the fullest, that fear never completely disappears. I know, rationally, that many healthy people face life-changing accidents every day, but emotionally, I still haven’t forgiven the universe for giving me this disease. Sometimes I wonder if that anger is what I am really feeding every time I light a cigarette.

I do not think that hurting my health will do me any favors. At the same time, I don’t want to lose my sense of free will. I know how childish that sounds, but there is a part of my depressed mind that would rather believe I am making my own choices than feel like my illness is making them for me.

I’m not forcing myself to have all the answers today. Healing rarely happens overnight. Becoming aware of my behavior is already a first step. I hope that one day I will naturally go back to smoking only three or four cigarettes a year, or maybe stop completely. But for now, I think I am still teasing MG because I am still angry that it exists.

I believed for a long time that I had accepted my condition. I thought I had finished grieving my old self, that I had finally found the perfect way to live with MG. But the truth is that chronic illness is exactly that: chronic. Not only physically, but mentally, too. Acceptance is not a destination you reach once and for all. It is something you revisit over and over again.

My goal is no longer to avoid the waves. It is simply to learn how to ride them without letting them pull me completely under.

Note: Myasthenia Gravis News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Myasthenia Gravis News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to myasthenia gravis.