In our marriage, we say no to start a conversation, not end one
As partners and caregivers, sometimes we have to tell each other no
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Being told “no” never gets easier. Even though I’m an adult, that two-letter word has the ability to bring out my inner tantrum-throwing toddler in their “terrible twos.”
My husband, Justin, has found a way to lessen the blow so that “no” becomes a conversation starter rather than an ender. What follows is his perspective.
Justin’s perspective
Sometimes I tell my wife no.
As far as I can tell, and according to everything on the internet, you’re not supposed to do that. But I do, because in a relationship where a chronic illness like myasthenia gravis is present, it’s a requirement. Not a fun one, but requirements rarely are.
Life doesn’t care what you’re supposed to do or whether the internet thinks it’s appropriate to tell anyone, never mind a spouse, no. Whether you enter a relationship knowing a chronic illness is present or one arises unexpectedly, direct nos will be required.
Why?
Because sometimes our loved ones need protection from themselves.
That’s not comfortable to write or admit publicly, but anyone who’s been in a caregiver role understands the truth of the statement.
I’ve often heard that just because someone’s body doesn’t work as it once did, that doesn’t mean their mind slows down or their personality changes. Someone who’s type A doesn’t stop being type A simply because their body refuses to cooperate.
My wife is 100% an example of that.
Though she’s mostly cognizant of her physical limitations, she constantly pushes herself, chasing goals and dreams that require a lot of brainpower. Her schedule doesn’t always allow her to rest as much as she requires.
For example, I’ve watched her open and close two businesses in our 15 years together. When she pushes herself too far, it negatively affects both of us. Not only does it heighten her risk of adverse health outcomes, but when she becomes bedridden, my responsibilities increase significantly.
I don’t tell her no because I want to. It hurts to raise my concerns or point out recent situations that ended in failure. I tell her no because my first job as her husband and caregiver is to keep her safe.
And here’s the thing: Many, if not most, times, that “no” turns into a conversation that leads to safer and better alternatives. We discuss options and availabilities. We discuss what’s worked, what hasn’t, and why.
She knows a “no” from me doesn’t mean I don’t want her to succeed; it means I want her to succeed more than anything.
If you’re concerned that this comes from a desire for control, please know there’s another reason I tell her no: I need her to feel comfortable doing the same for me.
Because not only am I a husband and caregiver, I’m also a traumatic brain injury survivor who still struggles a decade later. Sometimes Shawna has to drop a no on me as well. She has to reel me back in from making decisions that could endanger me or turn one bad day into a series of them, which also affects her.
We don’t say no because it makes us feel good or because we’re attempting to assert control. We say it because of experience and love. We say it because sometimes it’s better to stop today and come back tomorrow. We say it because we believe that the person we’re saying it to is strong enough to overcome anything, including their frustration with us in that moment.
We say it because sometimes the strongest measure of love is telling someone what they don’t want to hear when they need to hear it, and then standing 10 toes down until you can find a solution together — one that produces the outcomes they’re chasing without compromising their health.
Note: Myasthenia Gravis News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Myasthenia Gravis News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to myasthenia gravis.
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