Like a donkey, my MG body is stubborn, but it has also carried me
A columnist's birthday prompts reflection on his relationship with his body
Written by |
On Oct. 4, I turned 66. The 4th is also the feast day of St. Francis of Assisi. For most of my life, I also shared it with my Aunt Kay. As a boy in Malden, Massachusetts, I thought that was a fine piece of luck. A saint who preached to birds and tamed a wolf seemed like a good birthday companion. A smart, funny aunt made things even better.
I didn’t know then that Francis and I would also share a complicated relationship with our bodies. Mine has been shaped by myasthenia gravis (MG). His was shaped by fasting, sleeping on cold stone, and an eye disease that left him nearly blind.
Francis nicknamed his body “Brother Ass” based on how he viewed it. To him, his body was the donkey he rode through life. Biographers write that he drove the donkey hard. Then, near the end, he is said to have apologized to it. He admitted he had asked too much of his body and given too little back. When I first read this as a college student, I laughed. I still laugh, but it’s different now.
For 30 years, I taught history in inner-city classrooms, and I drove my own donkey the way Francis drove his. Papers graded at midnight. Hallway duty. Lunch eaten standing up. I assumed Brother Ass would carry me as long as I asked. When MG arrived, he did what donkeys are famous for: He planted his hooves and refused to move.
Every birthday, I think of my mother and father. After all, they did play a big role in creating the day. They always made birthdays special for my siblings and me. My mother had a knack for decorating, picking out the perfect gift, and planning a good time — talents she passed on to my sister. As a boy, Dad never had birthday parties because his family couldn’t afford them. My mother gave him his first birthday party and 53 more.
In later years, MG was part of his birthdays. He lived with the condition before I did, with far fewer tools than I have. He made his peace with his own stubborn donkey, and I’m still learning from how he did it.
Of all my aunts and uncles, Aunt Kay was the last standing. She was independent until the day she died at age 94. In her later years, Kay once told me she tried to live each day in a state of grace, because she could “go at any moment.” As a Catholic boy, I understood what she meant theologically. As a man with MG, I understand what she meant practically. None of us knows how much strength tomorrow will bring, so today had better count.
“Grow old along with me!/ The best is yet to be” are the opening lines of Robert Browning’s poem “Rabbi Ben Ezra.” When I was a college student, that line sounded like a sentimental promise. Now that I’m 66 and have a chronic illness, it sounds like a dare. Can the best be yet to come when your strength comes and goes like New England weather? I’ve decided yes, but only if I redefine “best.” It no longer means the most miles or the most hours. It means the conversation I can actually finish, the friend I actually call, the sentence I take time to write well.
Browning’s rabbi argues that youth sees only half the picture and age gets the whole. I’m not sure I see the whole yet. But I see more than I did when I was running Brother Ass into the ground.
As I’ve aged, there’s a Bible verse I’ve returned to again and again: “Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth” (Psalm 71:9).
The answer to that fear, I’ve found, is mostly people. It’s the cousin who comes over because she senses I need a visit. It’s the friend who calls just to check in. It’s the readers of this column who write to say, “Me, too.”
This year, I cut my cake into small pieces to avoid choking. I napped a bit. I called a friend back home and let my R’s drop where they may. I rededicated myself to a life of grace, whatever that means. I thanked Brother Ass for carrying me for 66 years and apologized for the miles I made him walk when he was tired. He’s a stubborn old donkey. But he’s mine, and we’re not done yet.
Note: Myasthenia Gravis News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Myasthenia Gravis News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to myasthenia gravis.
Leave a comment
Fill in the required fields to post. Your email address will not be published.