Learning to forgive yourself for the life you can’t live anymore

Let’s be honest right out of the gate: Grief stinks. It’s messy, exhausting, and sneaky. And if you live with a chronic illness like myasthenia gravis (MG), grief isn’t just about losing people you love; it’s about losing versions of yourself you never thought you’d have to say goodbye to.

Here comes the tough love part: You can’t keep living in the “I used to.” I used to run and swim for miles. I used to work long shifts as a medic in the U.S. Army and then as a business owner. I used to go out dancing. That soundtrack of “used to” can trap us in quicksand. The more we replay it, the deeper we sink. At some point, you have to stop measuring your worth against the body and abilities you no longer have. That comparison isn’t just unfair, it’s cruel. And you’re the one holding the whip.

That doesn’t mean it’s simple. Grief is a process, not a box you can tick off like a chore. It hits in waves. Some days, you’ll wake up feeling almost hunky-dory, ready to face the world. Other days, the smallest reminder of what you can’t do anymore will knock the wind right out of your sails. I’ve cried over things as small as not being able to carry groceries, and as big as realizing my old career was no longer possible.

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Here’s the truth I wish someone had told me sooner: It’s not weakness to grieve yourself. It’s humanity. You are allowed to mourn the life you thought you’d have. Pretending you’re fine only piles shame on top of sorrow, and shame is heavy baggage to haul around with already tired muscles.

But grief is not the final destination. At some point, you have to give yourself permission to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the naps. Forgive yourself for the unwashed dishes. Forgive yourself for saying no when your heart screamed “yes” but your body said, “Not today.” This isn’t giving up, it’s adapting. And adaptation is a strength.

Acceptance comes slowly, like sunrise through fog. It doesn’t mean you like what happened to you. It means you’ve stopped fighting yourself about it. I’ve had to tell my inner critic — who’s quite the loudmouth, by the way — that resting isn’t laziness, it’s medicine. Saying no isn’t selfish, it’s survival. Using mobility aids isn’t giving up, it’s giving myself the freedom to still show up for life.

The compassion part is this: You are still whole. You are still valuable. You are still here. MG may take certain abilities, but it cannot touch your worth. Your worth is not measured in miles walked, hours worked, or chores checked off. It’s measured in the love you give, the resilience you show, and the way you keep finding joy, even in the cracks.

So, yes, give yourself a little tough love when you catch yourself stuck in the “used to” loop. Gently remind yourself that comparing the past with the present only keeps you chained. Then, pour compassion over those raw spots. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend who is hurting. Speak kindly, rest often, and celebrate the little wins.

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time deal. It’s daily. Sometimes hourly. But each time you practice it, you loosen the grip of grief just a little bit more. And eventually, you find yourself moving — not perfectly, not painlessly, but forward.

And forward, my friends, is enough.

Note: Myasthenia Gravis News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Myasthenia Gravis News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to myasthenia gravis.